Endings

[zenmondo]

So, I finally admited something in my journal a few days ago, but it was in a comment so you may have missed it. In fact I am sure most of you did.

I haven't really been wanting to deal with the reality of the situation, but the truth is this, my marriage to buffalogal is for all intents and purposes, over.

Ofcourse I didn't know she had decided that until a while after she took off her wedding ring -- I don't know exactly how long it was, but she decided she was done with me.

It was a few months ago, I was depressed, as is to happen when somone is manic-depressive like me, and I couldn't get out of bed. She was late for work. It took a herculean effort on my part to get up that day, but it wasn't good enough for her, and she decided she was done with me.

She won't even entertain the idea of couple's counseling or any reconciliation, because she feels that if she gives me another chance I will think she wasn't serious.

Even when she was close to dying in the hospital (and it was close) there was no thoughts of reconciliation in her mind.

So I have been alone for the past few months, even though she has been right there with me. But there is no affection from her. We are living together more because neither of us can afford to move, not because we love each other. Some of it is for Conor's sake as well.

In the mean time I am getting more and more discontent. I STILL drive her to work every morning, I STILL do all the shopping for the family, I STILL go and run and get her something to eat when she is hungry. I feel like I still have all the responsibilities of being a husband with none of the privlages.

So for those of you that have been following along, this might explain all the attention I have been paying Second Life. My "first life" is not a happy place right now.

I have needs and desires that simply are not being met anymore. Second Life kind of helps with that.

I have taken off my wedding ring as well. For a while I was wearing it on a cord around my neck, kind of symbolizing that I understood the reality of the situation, but had hope that it could be reconciled. But I don't anymore, I have lost that hope as well.

I used to think JoLynn was a very special person, I know loving someone with a mental illness is not easy. I don't think that anymore. She didn't have what it takes.

Comments

T_T

[sweetmegumi.livejournal.com]

First of all I'm very sad to hear this Zen. I had so much admiration for you both. On how even though you two have so many obstacles to overcome seeing the strength in both of you made me very proud of the two of you.

I don't necessary agree with her thinking about refusing to work things out or finding ways to fix things. I feel it has nothing to do with how one is taken serious about something but everything to do with love, respect, and compromise.

I won't say anything since I don't know the whole story. I do know there are people here who care about you.

*Hugs*

-Megs

[elvenforever.livejournal.com]

Oh, ZEN!!!!!!!!!

~massive hugs~

It IS tough to live with us mentally ill people, that is true. But you, while being unable to work, are still able to be a father to your son and to take care of JoLynn's needs. I give you so much credit for that. I have trouble just doing LAUNDRY in between episodes (which admittedly are quite frequent). You are so much more functional than I am. I am SO on your side!!!

[ashiegrrrl.livejournal.com]

Zen, I'm so very sorry. If you need a shoulder to cry/vent on you have mine.

*hugs*

[saxifrage.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry I didn't reply sooner, since I am the one that asked the question. It's been on my mind and I've been meaning to say *hugs* to you, but have been a bit preoccupied with my stalker. In any case, mea culpa, and *hugs*.

I think you and JoLynn are both very nifty people, and so it really saddens me that things have come to this--I was really hoping you guys might be able to get couples counseling. I'm so sorry. *hughughug* to both of you--I can only imagine how much pain both of you must be in right now.

On a more practical note, is there no paratransit in your area? I ask because this is something I recently set up for myself (I'm blind too) precisely so my spouse wouldn't have to keep ferrying me around. Honestly I think it's the right thing for both of us, since I don't want to feel dependent on Trysha and I don't want Trysha to feel like I'm only with her because she takes care of me. It seems like indepentent living skills are very important when you're disabled and married, and part of that is getting state services set up. Then again, it's entirely possible that your area is so rural paratransit simply doesn't exist.

I know that this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but so many times, reading your journals, I've been so struck how both of your lives could improve with a change of location. If you were living in an area with better public transportation, JoLynn wouldn't be dependent on you for rides. Also, in many more "blue" states (MA is one of them), there is free health-care provided by the state for low-income people. A lot of my friends are on this program in MA, and it seems to work out really well for them. I know it's a terrible thing to ask, and probably the last thing you want to think about now, but have you ever considered relocating to somewhere with better public transportation and better health insurance?

[zenmondo.livejournal.com]

Funny thing is, we moved away from that. We had much better support in California, but she wanted to move out here to be closer to her family.

There is some kind of bus here, that she has applied for months ago, but hasn't followed up on. I honestly don't know how she would manage without me if I left. In the almost 3 years we have lived here, she hasn't so much as gone to the store by herself.

[moonfire77.livejournal.com]

That level of dependence would put a strain on any marriage, even one that was otherwise blissful and perfect. I have a physical disability myself and it seems strange to me that she wouldn't want the independence that paratransit offers.

Besides the point now I guess. So very sorry about this. Please don't let it drag you down, for Conor's sake if nothing else.

[he-dreams-awake.livejournal.com]

...if there's anything I can do[even if it's just to help keep you busy, or to rant on Skype or AIM or phone], please let me know. Anytime. And since I consider you my friend, I'll tell you what all of my friends know: call me anytime, day or night, if you're feeling down or need to talk. If I'm here, I'll be there. 972-436-0080, Room 243.

Please take care. I've been down the bipolar wringer. It sucks donkey balls.

[opheliasclone.livejournal.com]

Well, aren't we two quite the pair? Relationship problems are so much harder to handle when looking at them from the inside, I know. In some ways, the view from there is more accurate than any view from outside could be, and in other ways the outside view has the advantage.

I'm a little concerned that you seem willing to shield JoLynn from the natural consequences of her decision indefinitely. What she is doing is somewhat understandable in the context of a transition towards individuality. But there is no end in sight, which seems to indicate that no transition is occurring. You have said that she has moved to the support system of her family. Well, it's one she may need to utilize more in the future if your marriage is over.

I'm sorry, but nobody gets to have their cake and eat it too. If she is done with you, then she must prepare to set you free. And if she refuses, then I hope you will eventually free yourself all the same. You can't be a ghost of yourself forever. It will take too large a toll. Better to exit with your ego intact and a fair warning to her, rather than wait for a breakdown to occur.

If she does not agree to counceling, understand that you can still go alone and get some help on determining what to do to relieve the pain you're feeling. Sometimes you can get no resolution from the person you love, but you can still find it in your own heart.

I wish you the very best in both your lives.

[fenix-harbinger.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but nobody gets to have their cake and eat it too. If she is done with you, then she must prepare to set you free. And if she refuses, then I hope you will eventually free yourself all the same. You can't be a ghost of yourself forever. It will take too large a toll. Better to exit with your ego intact and a fair warning to her, rather than wait for a breakdown to occur.

If she does not agree to counceling, understand that you can still go alone and get some help on determining what to do to relieve the pain you're feeling. Sometimes you can get no resolution from the person you love, but you can still find it in your own heart.

This is excellent, wise and sage advice.

You have the right to self determination. You have the right to choose your own path. You do not have to comply with the half-life she is passive aggressively foisting upon you.

[bridgeweaver.livejournal.com]

I've been on the other side of this problem, i.e. married to someone with undiagnosed mental/emotional illness, and I did the leaving. I was also the blind member of the couple. While I am more independent than it sounds like your wife is, it does not mean she isn't a special person anymore. Living with mental illness is a bitch. Some can do it, others can't. Some ill partners make it easier than others. I can not comment individually upon your situation, but remember, you are speaking from anger right now, and that she has a story too. It doesn't mean you don't have a right to your grief and anger and sense of loss, but I'd guess she isn't celebrating either.

[ivy]

I'm really sorry to hear that; I had no idea. I hope that you're able to come to some happier resolution that's better for all three of you.

[joannastar.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself.

[balmofgilead.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that.

*hugs*

[goldenmoonrose.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope everything works out for the best. You're in my thoughts.

[wyvernfriend.livejournal.com]

There have been a few posts recently by yourself that I've been wonder about the state of the union so to speak. I'm sorry to hear it, you guys seemed to be a good pair, but sometimes things have a lifespan.

[pippi-az.livejournal.com]

wow, HUGS, I wish it didn't come to this and I know I'm not the only one. It's difficult to say the least to live with people with disabilities, when both parties have their own stuff it can make life crazy as jes and I have had our share of unfortunately this reminds me of my own relationship a bit. Stay strong, hang in there.

[kendokamel.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[ashla-bogan.livejournal.com]

Well, there is much release in finally admitting it, as you may have realised. It's always sad when any relationship ends. You know I am here for you and love you dearly, and hopefully soon we will be able to see eachother again! Keep your head up, remember that you are loved ;-)

[awallens.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[liquordrums.livejournal.com]

Damn, dude... just... damn.

I am sorry.

[projectx.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what to say, hon.
It's not an easy ride. It's going to be tough for the 3 of you.

hang in there, and stay strong.

[fenix-harbinger.livejournal.com]

Zenny, I know we only just met, but I empathise, really I do.

Those of us with depression and/or bi-polar disease do not have an easy row to hoe, nor do those around us. But, the flip side of the coin is, most creative people are at least a little "touched by fire". If not for those who "feel" to a greater degree, there would be little to no art, music or poetry.

I do understand all you say about having all the responsibilities with none of the benefits of a relationship. I have been there and done that in my past. That also is an all too familiar song from many others I know as well.

To confirm something you said, yes, hon... there are people out there capable of dealing with those like us. I am so sorry that you are finding that she could not.

SL has been a life-saver for so many of us, hon. You're not alone there either. It's given many a place to go and recoupe some of what we've lost in our day to day lives.

I am truly and deeply saddened to see this happen to so many, but am *very* grateful to SL for providing us all with a place to go to try to fill some of the voids we experience in our lives.

Zenny, I am grateful to know you.

Sorry

[themightyed.livejournal.com]

Hey Zen,
Sorry to hear about this. Do you think you might make your way out to CA for a bit of a visit? I'm sure a lot of us out here would like to see you again.

Ed

Re: Sorry

[zenmondo.livejournal.com]

I'm planning a trip for me and Conor in July.

[slyfoot.livejournal.com]

Wish I knew what to say, man. I feel like I've been an insensitive jerk babbling on about inconsequential things to you, and I didn't know things had gone sour. I still have hope that you guys can reconcile though.

[liplash.livejournal.com]

You know me, I blame WHYoming. Things will get better, they can't get much worse from the sound of it. Just remember the power of positive thinking and it's kinship with self-fulfilling-prophecies. I know that may sound like pie-in-the-sky thinking, a sort of "you are what you eat" way of thinking, but I believe it to be true. I shall now put away my Psych-hat and just say, my thoughts are with you.

[minteckers.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry. I love you both, I wish things could have worked out between you.

If there is anything I can do, drop me a comment in my journal.

[nectarfizz.livejournal.com]

I know that having a mental illness is very hard to deal with. I also know that you have some of your own responsibility for the breakup of your marriage. I read this and feel perhaps that you are not admitting to your own part of it. It can't all be Jolynn's fault, nor all your own fault. You have admitted many times to your illness getting the better of you but I have yet to see you admit the huge weight this has been for your wife to carry as well. Illness is never just one person's to carry. Your wife through her own choices chose to carry that weight with you. I cannot say what has caused the breakup in your marriage but I can tell you that both sides of your marriage is composed of a very delicate balance. I mean in a household where there is a mental illness, blindness and an autistic child there needs to be a huge amount of compassion and support to maintain a balance. I have felt in the past and still do that Jolynn has had an immense amount to handle. Perhaps she could be better served with getting transportation on her own and I agree that it would do her good. The thing I am trying to say is that given some time to think about the other side of the coin perhaps, I feel, you will regret some of the words you have spoken here. You and Jolynn expect so much of each other and yet at times seem to at the same time expect very little to actually happen.

Some of the comments you have made her are obviously out of desperation and anger. You wanted her to read this and perhaps shock her into commenting. I hope with all my heart that you both find some common ground and find some way to mend your rift. The addition of some help for you both would, I feel, help immensely and I hope you find it.

Please do not misunderstand my comments to you. I am not calling you or your wife the villan here. I am stating that I have seen evidence of your not being there for each other lately and I feel it is grounded in the need you both have for each others support. Support that for some reason or other one or both of you have felt the need to withdraw from each other. When you both find the way back to supporting each other then and only then can you find your way back to each other. OK, so the current support system is obviously not working for you both. TALK ABOUT IT and see if there is any way you both and meet each other half-way. I care too much about the both of you to witness the tearing and rendering of love. The use of your journal as a means to hurt each other is in my opinion beneatrh both of you..please don't fall into that trap it will end up hurting you in the end. Zen that last comment really should be deleted and you know it.