zenmondo | Endings

So, I finally admited something in my journal a few days ago, but it was in a comment so you may have missed it. In fact I am sure most of you did.

I haven't really been wanting to deal with the reality of the situation, but the truth is this, my marriage to

buffalogal is for all intents and purposes, over.

Ofcourse I didn't know she had decided that until a while after she took off her wedding ring -- I don't know exactly how long it was, but she decided she was done with me.

It was a few months ago, I was depressed, as is to happen when somone is manic-depressive like me, and I couldn't get out of bed. She was late for work. It took a herculean effort on my part to get up that day, but it wasn't good enough for her, and she decided she was done with me.

She won't even entertain the idea of couple's counseling or any reconciliation, because she feels that if she gives me another chance I will think she wasn't serious.

Even when she was close to dying in the hospital (and it was close) there was no thoughts of reconciliation in her mind.

So I have been alone for the past few months, even though she has been right there with me. But there is no affection from her. We are living together more because neither of us can afford to move, not because we love each other. Some of it is for Conor's sake as well.

In the mean time I am getting more and more discontent. I STILL drive her to work every morning, I STILL do all the shopping for the family, I STILL go and run and get her something to eat when she is hungry. I feel like I still have all the responsibilities of being a husband with none of the privlages.

So for those of you that have been following along, this might explain all the attention I have been paying Second Life. My "first life" is not a happy place right now.

I have needs and desires that simply are not being met anymore. Second Life kind of helps with that.

I have taken off my wedding ring as well. For a while I was wearing it on a cord around my neck, kind of symbolizing that I understood the reality of the situation, but had hope that it could be reconciled. But I don't anymore, I have lost that hope as well.

I used to think JoLynn was a very special person, I know loving someone with a mental illness is not easy. I don't think that anymore. She didn't have what it takes.