Endings

[zenmondo]

So, I finally admited something in my journal a few days ago, but it was in a comment so you may have missed it. In fact I am sure most of you did.

I haven't really been wanting to deal with the reality of the situation, but the truth is this, my marriage to buffalogal is for all intents and purposes, over.

Ofcourse I didn't know she had decided that until a while after she took off her wedding ring -- I don't know exactly how long it was, but she decided she was done with me.

It was a few months ago, I was depressed, as is to happen when somone is manic-depressive like me, and I couldn't get out of bed. She was late for work. It took a herculean effort on my part to get up that day, but it wasn't good enough for her, and she decided she was done with me.

She won't even entertain the idea of couple's counseling or any reconciliation, because she feels that if she gives me another chance I will think she wasn't serious.

Even when she was close to dying in the hospital (and it was close) there was no thoughts of reconciliation in her mind.

So I have been alone for the past few months, even though she has been right there with me. But there is no affection from her. We are living together more because neither of us can afford to move, not because we love each other. Some of it is for Conor's sake as well.

In the mean time I am getting more and more discontent. I STILL drive her to work every morning, I STILL do all the shopping for the family, I STILL go and run and get her something to eat when she is hungry. I feel like I still have all the responsibilities of being a husband with none of the privlages.

So for those of you that have been following along, this might explain all the attention I have been paying Second Life. My "first life" is not a happy place right now.

I have needs and desires that simply are not being met anymore. Second Life kind of helps with that.

I have taken off my wedding ring as well. For a while I was wearing it on a cord around my neck, kind of symbolizing that I understood the reality of the situation, but had hope that it could be reconciled. But I don't anymore, I have lost that hope as well.

I used to think JoLynn was a very special person, I know loving someone with a mental illness is not easy. I don't think that anymore. She didn't have what it takes.

Comments

[nectarfizz.livejournal.com]

I know that having a mental illness is very hard to deal with. I also know that you have some of your own responsibility for the breakup of your marriage. I read this and feel perhaps that you are not admitting to your own part of it. It can't all be Jolynn's fault, nor all your own fault. You have admitted many times to your illness getting the better of you but I have yet to see you admit the huge weight this has been for your wife to carry as well. Illness is never just one person's to carry. Your wife through her own choices chose to carry that weight with you. I cannot say what has caused the breakup in your marriage but I can tell you that both sides of your marriage is composed of a very delicate balance. I mean in a household where there is a mental illness, blindness and an autistic child there needs to be a huge amount of compassion and support to maintain a balance. I have felt in the past and still do that Jolynn has had an immense amount to handle. Perhaps she could be better served with getting transportation on her own and I agree that it would do her good. The thing I am trying to say is that given some time to think about the other side of the coin perhaps, I feel, you will regret some of the words you have spoken here. You and Jolynn expect so much of each other and yet at times seem to at the same time expect very little to actually happen.

Some of the comments you have made her are obviously out of desperation and anger. You wanted her to read this and perhaps shock her into commenting. I hope with all my heart that you both find some common ground and find some way to mend your rift. The addition of some help for you both would, I feel, help immensely and I hope you find it.

Please do not misunderstand my comments to you. I am not calling you or your wife the villan here. I am stating that I have seen evidence of your not being there for each other lately and I feel it is grounded in the need you both have for each others support. Support that for some reason or other one or both of you have felt the need to withdraw from each other. When you both find the way back to supporting each other then and only then can you find your way back to each other. OK, so the current support system is obviously not working for you both. TALK ABOUT IT and see if there is any way you both and meet each other half-way. I care too much about the both of you to witness the tearing and rendering of love. The use of your journal as a means to hurt each other is in my opinion beneatrh both of you..please don't fall into that trap it will end up hurting you in the end. Zen that last comment really should be deleted and you know it.