Apr. 21st, 2006

zenmondo: (Default)
With my last entry and [livejournal.com profile] buffalogal's response to it, I've seen lots of people talking about sides. She was right to say there will always be two sides to every story, but I am not gonna try to guess her side on things here, I can only go with what she has told me. But though our marriage is pretty much over, there is probably less division than you think.

We get along pretty good all things considered. We will always have to be part of each other's lives because of Conor.

But as to our mutual friends "taking sides" I think its completely unnecessary. So please, don't.

Writing that entry was important to me. Somehow writing it down is what makes it real for me. Now that I have admitted it publicaly I can begin to deal with the situation emotionaly.

I guess I would like to address something else that was said in her journal's comments. There seemed to be some impression that my mental illness is not being treated or I was using it as an excuse or whatever. I have lost count of the medications I have been on the past 20 years. Very few of them were truly benficial. I am currently on some very good medication, but it does not negate my illness, just makes it easier to manage. There will be times when it debilitates me. That is just the nature of things. Its not about my will being strong or weak, its just how it is. The day she decided she was done with me was one of those days.

In times past I would have fully surrendured and stayed in bed, but I DID get her to work that day. In fact, I have gotten her to work everyday she has not been sick since, with her being late only a couple of times. Times when I have not been feeling good. Both mentally and physically. I still continue to do so.

What kills me is that no matter how well I do now, there is no hope for redemption. She won't work with me. I was willing to go to therapy and help fix whatever issues she has with me, but I don't know if I could still offer that. Our relationship has been damaged, and I don't know if it can be repaired at this point. I was willing to try months ago, but now, I don't think so, so much.

It saddens me that I won't be celebrating a wedding anniversary next month. I never did forgive her for what she did to me on our last anniversarry. Instead of spending it with me, she spent it online, playing galaxies with her boyfriend.

[livejournal.com profile] buffalogal will probably feel vilified again by this. But I need to finally vent. She is right, there have been problems all along. On both sides. My problems contributed to her decision to break up with me, and her problems have given me the anger needed to accept that its over and try to move on. But hey, at least she will be posting again, if nothing else to give her side of things.
zenmondo: (Default)
Don't worry, not everything will be angst ridden entries about my marriage breaking up, I will write about other things as well. Try to do some lighthearted entries and the whimsical shit that I usually write. I'll get there.

So I lost my phone a while ago. My best pal Adam gave me one of his old phones to replace it. He rocks. Its a super sweet phone too. Only problem is that it wouldn't connect to my computer so I could offload pictures and onload mp3s for ringtones. But today there was an update to the phone software and it now connects.

So now I got a shibby new ring tone of a Ska cover of the Award Ceremony music from Star Wars! I want people to call me just so I can hear it. I wish I knew who did that, I would love to hear the entire score to Star Wars done in the Ska style.

So now I feel like I should use the camera feature of the phone, now that I have a way to get the pictures off the phone. I mean I have it, I should use it, right? So now I just need to find interesting subjects. I don't think I have gotten the idea that I always have a camera on me. I always thought that digital cameras would be a good thing to have, documenting whatever you want whereever you are. But I haven't yet found something worth documenting.

Oh wait I just thought of something.

Hold on...

dang it now the phones NOT connecting. I can never win. I lose at cell phone. At least I got the new ringtone. So frustrating.
zenmondo: (Chao)


"A secret method of identifying your Discordianship for the benefit of other Discordians is by wearing a pull-off aluminum beer-can tab, strung through its ring, around your neck. That is called an All-Seeing Eye of Eris (complete with Tear) and it will help other members of the Discordian Society keep out of your way." -- Fifth Edition Introduction to the Principia Discordia.

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