Endings

[zenmondo]

So, I finally admited something in my journal a few days ago, but it was in a comment so you may have missed it. In fact I am sure most of you did.

I haven't really been wanting to deal with the reality of the situation, but the truth is this, my marriage to buffalogal is for all intents and purposes, over.

Ofcourse I didn't know she had decided that until a while after she took off her wedding ring -- I don't know exactly how long it was, but she decided she was done with me.

It was a few months ago, I was depressed, as is to happen when somone is manic-depressive like me, and I couldn't get out of bed. She was late for work. It took a herculean effort on my part to get up that day, but it wasn't good enough for her, and she decided she was done with me.

She won't even entertain the idea of couple's counseling or any reconciliation, because she feels that if she gives me another chance I will think she wasn't serious.

Even when she was close to dying in the hospital (and it was close) there was no thoughts of reconciliation in her mind.

So I have been alone for the past few months, even though she has been right there with me. But there is no affection from her. We are living together more because neither of us can afford to move, not because we love each other. Some of it is for Conor's sake as well.

In the mean time I am getting more and more discontent. I STILL drive her to work every morning, I STILL do all the shopping for the family, I STILL go and run and get her something to eat when she is hungry. I feel like I still have all the responsibilities of being a husband with none of the privlages.

So for those of you that have been following along, this might explain all the attention I have been paying Second Life. My "first life" is not a happy place right now.

I have needs and desires that simply are not being met anymore. Second Life kind of helps with that.

I have taken off my wedding ring as well. For a while I was wearing it on a cord around my neck, kind of symbolizing that I understood the reality of the situation, but had hope that it could be reconciled. But I don't anymore, I have lost that hope as well.

I used to think JoLynn was a very special person, I know loving someone with a mental illness is not easy. I don't think that anymore. She didn't have what it takes.

Comments

[saxifrage.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry I didn't reply sooner, since I am the one that asked the question. It's been on my mind and I've been meaning to say *hugs* to you, but have been a bit preoccupied with my stalker. In any case, mea culpa, and *hugs*.

I think you and JoLynn are both very nifty people, and so it really saddens me that things have come to this--I was really hoping you guys might be able to get couples counseling. I'm so sorry. *hughughug* to both of you--I can only imagine how much pain both of you must be in right now.

On a more practical note, is there no paratransit in your area? I ask because this is something I recently set up for myself (I'm blind too) precisely so my spouse wouldn't have to keep ferrying me around. Honestly I think it's the right thing for both of us, since I don't want to feel dependent on Trysha and I don't want Trysha to feel like I'm only with her because she takes care of me. It seems like indepentent living skills are very important when you're disabled and married, and part of that is getting state services set up. Then again, it's entirely possible that your area is so rural paratransit simply doesn't exist.

I know that this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but so many times, reading your journals, I've been so struck how both of your lives could improve with a change of location. If you were living in an area with better public transportation, JoLynn wouldn't be dependent on you for rides. Also, in many more "blue" states (MA is one of them), there is free health-care provided by the state for low-income people. A lot of my friends are on this program in MA, and it seems to work out really well for them. I know it's a terrible thing to ask, and probably the last thing you want to think about now, but have you ever considered relocating to somewhere with better public transportation and better health insurance?

[zenmondo.livejournal.com]

Funny thing is, we moved away from that. We had much better support in California, but she wanted to move out here to be closer to her family.

There is some kind of bus here, that she has applied for months ago, but hasn't followed up on. I honestly don't know how she would manage without me if I left. In the almost 3 years we have lived here, she hasn't so much as gone to the store by herself.

[moonfire77.livejournal.com]

That level of dependence would put a strain on any marriage, even one that was otherwise blissful and perfect. I have a physical disability myself and it seems strange to me that she wouldn't want the independence that paratransit offers.

Besides the point now I guess. So very sorry about this. Please don't let it drag you down, for Conor's sake if nothing else.