Unsettled

I have a weird, anxious / nervous feeling I can't seem to shake. It is not directed at anything specific, just a general dizziness in my gut that won't leave me alone. It is as if I am searching for something to be nervous about.

I went to the first meeting of a Local Writers' Group, and I felt nervous walking up to the group at the coffee shop, like a blind date nervousness. But once there, I was my usual witty self, and felt much more at ease, as long as I was talking or listening.

Then during the drive home, alone, the feeling returned. It again subsided as I waited with hheather at the bus station, again I was talking or listening, but after seeing her safely on her bus (which was more than an hour late) the feeling has returned, and it has not gone away.

I wish I knew what was going on. I have been inconsistant with my meds -- I wonder if that is a factor?

Random($life);

I am feeling very random today. I think the Swiss Gurad's uniforms are neat. Did you know that Pope John Paul II had a pair of white Doc Martens?

My gaydar is resistant to only the most blatant strong signals, and even then it can be fooled, but I have something better, I have Star Wars Sense. Its like Spider-Sense, only it is triggered in the proximity of things related to Star Wars. It is why I have such good luck at thrift stores finding Star Wars things. Also, I can spot other Star Wars fans, and they me. People are surprised that I keep selling chance cubes to strangers on Ebay. In response to this, I said, "I know my people". I am very pleased. I love meeting new Star Wars fans in town -- you always have something to talk about.

I find it pretty easy to talk to people, I think this in a large part is all the trivia I keep in my brain. It turns out I am pretty knowledgble about a great many number of things. The upside is that I can usually hold a conversation with someone about something they are interested in. Its even better if I am not an expert in their interest, because then I can ask informed questions to fill the gaps in my knowledge, and people love to talk about things they enjoy.

The following text is found on the back of boxes of Trojan Mangum XL Extra Large Lubricated condoms:

Magnum®XL Latex Condoms are intended for me who feel that currente regular and large size condoms are too small. Other men may experience slippage wiht thie extra large size condom.

I am proud to report that last night there was NO slippage. The box says these things are 30% larger than standard condoms. But in all honesty I wish there was something between Magnum and Magnum XL, a Magnum L would be probably perfect for me. Ah well. And before some of you go on about the stretching properties of latex, it is true, as Howie Mandell has shown to put a surgical glove over one's head -- but it ain't the most comfortable experience (I know, trust me... when I was a teen'r in and out of the hospital so much, surgical gloves and time were both in great quantity). And yeah, I know they are tapered at the bottom.

I am very lucky to have the people in my life in my life. I think I want to start sending out unsigned postcards that only say "Thank you". Ofcourse they will know its me, cuz who else would they know who lives in Casper, Wyoming?

Another postcard project I want to do is write a bunch of short poems, maybe Haiku, and just send them out. Maybe all on a theme. Maybe Wyoming. How many Haiku are in the Cowboy State? Maybe I can find out, and send them out and you can know too.

I am reading a lil' primer on the Ba'hai religion. I am the first person to check this book out from our library -- I don't know how old it is, but it was hidden in on the religion shelf, in the 8 inch section of the the three 50-foot-long rows of books devoted to Christianity. It seems a very neat religion, but it has some of those monotheistic hang-ups I just don't jive with. But I like the idea they have is that religion is tied to a time and place in order to advance society. They say the next great teacher is due in about 1,000 years -- so I guess it won't be me. Oh well. I do have a bit of a messianic complex I guess. I would look more into Universal Unitarianism, but the Casper church does not meet in the summer, alas.

Salami is possibly one of the best foods ever invented. I wonder who invented it? Probably Marco Polo -- and he probably stole it from the chinese like he did spaghetti noodles.

Did you know a couple of white guys are credited with discovering the Pacific Ocean? Like the people that had lived next to it for thousands of years, never noticed or something. If you asked me, the Pacific Ocean discovered white guys on that day, not the other way around.

Everyone is saying that Batman Begins is the BEST BATMAN MOVIE EVER. I wonder if they are taking into account, the one from the 60s starring Adam West? I think I will try working in "somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb" into conversation somehow today.

So who was the sexiest Catwoman ever? I think I would have to go with Julie Newmar, but there was never such a thing as an unsexy Catwoman. Michelle Pfiefer's costume comes in second, and Michelle Pfiefer comes in third place.

I hope Joel Shumacher doesn't make a sequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. He would put nipples on the Glass Wonkavator, you KNOW he would.


Hey guess what? I couldn't sleep last night. Now this post wouldn't indicate a manic state at all, would it? Naaaaaaaaaah.

I think I have been manic for a week or so... the big clue is that my mouth-filter doesn't work, if I think it, I say it. I know lots of times I am saying something inappropiate, but more of me just says it anyways. This is a good time to get compliments from me (or be icked out) because if you are hot, I will probably tell you, and flirt without ceasing. Oh, and by the way, YOU'RE HOT.

Seriously, if anyone wants to sleep with me or cuddle, or go to third base, today is the day.

But, you know what? I would be cool if nobody did.

I'm not stressing about it. I am quite satisfied at home, but in a curious mood is all.

Did I mention that you are hot? Ok, good.

So I watched Star Trek IV early this morning trying to fall asleep, with the commentary. William Shatner is a numbnuts. He tries to quote stuff and gets it all wrong. It was touching but got old when he went on and on about DeForest being gone, and waxing about his own mortality, and having this record of his vital youth on film. It WAS touching and heartfelt, and I am glad that is in there, but he went on about it for 4 scenes or so, only one of which actually had DeForest in it.

I am seriously considering taking a video production class if they offer it at Casper College in the fall. I think it would be fun, but I really just want access to the equipment so I can make movies. I'd love to go to film school, but I think that like most things, I will get a "pilot education" and run with it and teach myself the rest through trial and error, and individual research.

For filmakers, Robert Rodriguez is my new hero. To be one of my influences when I become a film maker alongside George Lucas and Fritz Lang.

I have so many ideas for shots, and scenes I want to get them out -- but I can't afford the equipment, and I don't have enough friends here to cast as actors. Maybe I will buy some Hi-8 tapes, and make some "sketches" with my hand-me-down hand-held handy-cam.

What I really want is a video capture device ... or at camcorder with firewire ... or one of those that records to DVDs. Oh I need some pirated video editing software as well.

I think video is where it is at now. Hi-Def if you can afford the rentals, but I think filming on well, FILM will become a craft, like blacksmithing. It should be preserved, but for me, it would just slow down the creative process.

I wish I could say I don't care if anyone ever likes my movies that I want to make, but I do. I crave positive attention. I want people to think I am funny, smart, witty, and creative -- and I want them to tell me so. The few of you that knew me before I escaped high-school know how often I was teased and insulted, and occassionaly beat up. I have grown into a pretty confident man now, but I still feel like I need or want to make up for all that abuse I got as a kid.

Conor's birthday party is tomorrow. I was going to make baloon animals for the kids, but I just discovered that Conor chewed up the end of my pump. I will need to buy a new one when I go buy party supplies today. I just tried inflating one with my mouth and about blew out my eardrums and pooped my pants. Yep, I need a pump. And now things have started moving down THERE, its time to post this, and go sit for a while.

See? I say inappropiate things when manic, oh well. Deal.

regarding random

So that last post -- just another example of me being public about mental illness. See it ain't ALL scary and depressing. Well, maybe it was a little scary to buffalogal skipping meds is a bad idea right now.

I can't believe how dependant I am already feeling towards Geodon. I went for more than a year pretty fine unmedicated, but I am having a rough time getting stable right now.

I am very moody.