Update from outside the padded-closet:
So, I got in to see a psychiatrist -- a very VERY good one. So, as is prone to happen when I see a psychiatrist, he gave me drugs. This is a new drug for me, and will have both the mood stablizing effects I got when I took Zyprexa, as well as seratonin thingy the antidepressants like Lexapro do. So I can get the benefits of both in one pill pretty snazzy.
The drug is called Geodon. I really don't like the Ten-thousand-dollar names drugs get these days, but this one is cool. Though, it sounds like it would make a coll building toy or a dinasaur.
The side-effects have been a bit trying. I get very tired, and just crash. Other times I get dizzy, which I read as tired, but when I lay down, I am restless. Very annoying. When this dizzy-tired feeling comes on me, I feel useless. I can't read, I can't do anything creative, I can't function, but I can't sleep. Very, very, grr.
The primary effects have been almost miraculous. I feel very clear headed, no depression at all, maybe even a little happy. It has worked faster than any drug I have ever taken in this regard. So I might suspect a bit of a placebo effect, or maybe my mood was going to swing up on its own, or ... both or both PLUS the drug is actually working, or the other two combinations.
With other drugs (like Lithium or Valporic acid) it felt like my thoughts were sluggish, like covered in oatmeal or tar as they went through my mind. On this drug, my thoughts feel like they are greased ... its actually easier for me to think. It is ALMOST like when I was younger, before the swings got heavy, back when I could think 4 moves ahead in chess.
I wonder if this is what a healthy mind feels like, and I have just forgotton, or have settled on less than healthy being good enough for more than a dozen years...
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