zenmondo: (X Marks the spot by Dandelow)
My moods have been all over the place the past couple days. I am reacting to things much more than anyone should. I flipped the fuck out in front of Conor yesterday and scared him. I feel like shit for that. So yesterday I was so irritable and so out of control mood wise. Some things went kablooie on our computer, and I was getting all bent out of shape over it. I know it was over a period of hours, but my memory of yesterday is compressed into a few heartbeats.

Part of the fix yesterday was shelling out a big chunk of change and finally buying a legitimate copy of windows. My inner pirate weeps. I sense a huge rash of piracy in my near future to balance out my cyber-buccaneer tendancies.

Today my mood has been swinging something weird. I started out pretty depressed this morning, and that has turned into a mixed state where I am depressed and horny. As I write this, I feel the depression, but it seems to be receding. I am typing pretty fast, and I wonder if not a mania is right around the corner and waiting to pounce on me.

My manic spells have ceased to be fun anymore. I really don't have anything to channel it into anymore. I don't have anywhere safe to go, so I stay home and make my family miserable. I hate that. I hate me. I really, really do.

Well this is what I get for fucking around with my meds I guess. Well I ran out of the pills at the lower dose, so I put myself back up on the higher dose. Sure I got dizzy spells everyday, but my moods were somewhat in control. I should probably go see a doctor about it, but I got shit that needs to get done. The car needs fixed this week. I wonder if my psychiatrist would even have time for me anytime soon... they were suppossed to call with an appointment I don't know how long ago. Well I got plenty of meds at my old dose, I think I will manage for the time being.

Maybe its too easy to blame this on a med failure. There was something that could have triggered this. I lost a friend to cancer this week. I found out about it, from friends still in California that came across his obituary. We weren't super close or anything but we were friends. We met at the Aikido dojo, and he is the only person I have met that likes (I guess liked now) sumo as much as I did. When there was a Sumo Tournament, we would go over to his house and watch the last day on JapanTV. I talked to him not that long ago, he told me he had cancer, but it seemed like it was suppossed to be easily treated. I am really surprised at how fast it took him. I really feel for his family, as he lost his father just a few months ago. Its times like this that I really hate that I moved so far away.

So this is life outside the padded closet. I'm not proud of my mental illness, but I definatly am not ashamed of it either. I don't like that manic-depression (BiPolar) defines so much of how I see myself, but I really don't know where I begin and the illness ends.

April 2017

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